Question:
Asalamu alaikum.
I’m very confused on the topic of maintaining family ties and request clarifications. I have cousins and we have had situations that has happened which has left our relationship indifferent. The situation has happened on multiple occasions and I feel very dejected and lack any zeal to continue speaking with my cousin for fear that it will repeat itself and I will end up feeling foolish again. Base on my research we are not supposed to completely expel family members from our lives but is there a healthy way of maintaining family ties with toxic family members? Ways that would protect me from engaging in toxic behaviour as well. Thank you
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Yes, Islam encourages maintaining family ties and discourages severing them. You should first endeavour to mend the relationship with your cousin provided that this cousin is from the same sex (see important note below). This can be done with the intervention of senior family members, a reputable scholar or your local Imaam.
However, if after making several attempts to mend the relationship and the relationship is irreparable, then there are several things that can be done which will constitute joining and maintaining family ties in Islam. The following are some of them:
· making Dua for them.
· offering financial and other forms of assistance (if one is capable of doing so).
· seeking their best interest and repelling harm from them (if one is capable of doing so).
· meeting them with a pleasant countenance.
· sending gifts and other items for them.
· conveying Salaam to them via other family members.
· using text messages, emails or other social media messages to convey Salaam and check on their well-being[1], etc.
Most of the above-mentioned points can be achieved without having to deal directly with another family member where one may experience any ‘toxic’ behaviour from them. We pray and hope that Allahﷻ rectifies your affairs and puts peace between you and your cousin.
Important note: it is worth noting here that Islam strictly prohibits the intermingling of sexes and that includes phones conversations, social media messages etc. A person’s cousin from the opposite sex is not their Mahram i.e. marriage between cousins is permissible in Islam. Therefore, despite the encouragement to maintain ties of kinship in Islam, a person cannot interact with their cousin of the opposite sex as they would interact with a Mahram. Finally, all family ties should be kept within the limits of Islam whether it be with Muslim or non-Muslim relatives.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Mujahid Dan Lubrin
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)
15th Rajab 1445 – 27th January 2024
www.fatwa-tt.com /www.jaamia.net
[1] تحفة الأحوذي بشرح جامع الترمذي – 6/30 دار الكتب العلمية – بيروت
قال بن أبي جمرة تكون صلة الرحم بالمال وبالعون على الحاجة وبدفع الضرر وبطلاقة الوجه وبالدعاء والمعنى الجامع إيصال ما أمكن من الخير ودفع ما أمكن من الشر بحسب الطاقة وهذا إنما يستمر إذا كان أهل الرحم أهل استقامة فإن كانوا كفارا أو فجارا فمقاطعتهم في الله هي صلتهم بشرط بذل الجهد في وعظهم ثم إعلامهم إذا أصروا أن ذلك بسبب تخلفهم عن الحق ولا يسقط مع ذلك صلتهم بالدعاء لهم بظهر الغيب أن يعودوا إلى الطريق المثلى
مرقاة المفاتيح شرح مشكاة المصابيح 7/3079 – دار الفكر، بيروت – لبنان
في النهاية: البر بالكسر الإحسان، وهو في حق الأبوين والأقربين ضد العقوق، وهو الإساءة إليهم، والتضييع لحقهم، يقال: بر يبر فهو بار وجمعه بررة، وجمع البر أبرار، وصلة الرحم كناية عن الإحسان إلى الأقربين من ذوي النسب والأصهار، والتعطف عليهم، والرفق بهم، والرعاية لأحوالهم، وقطع الرحم ضد ذلك، يقال: وصل رحمه يصلها وصلا وصلة، والهاء فيها عوض عن الواو المحذوفة، فكأنه بالإحسان إليهم قد وصل ما بينه وبينهم من علاقة القرابة والصهر
