Question:
As salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
What is the Islamic ruling on one’s spouse whom never approaches for intimacy or even gestures it , once the spouse is approached there is always a challenge for intimacy, excuses, doesn’t want to be touched. What is the ruling in such a situation. Jazakallahu khair for your feedback
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
It must always be remembered that marriage is not a technical partnership just based on just the wife’s rights and the husband’s rights. Rather marriage is based on love and understanding from both spouses. With the different challenges of life, a marriage needs courage and resolution to keep it moving. Apart from the rulings and regulations of Shari’ah, Islam has laid down some moral instructions for both husband and wife and each other should be dealt with compassion and respect, rather than restricting themselves to the legal Shari’ obligations alone. Both husband and wife have conjugal rights over each other and the spouses should endeavour to fulfil each other’s conjugal rights within reasonable limits. Therefore, it is not permissible for either spouse to abstain or refuse intamicy without a valid excuse.
Islam has laid down some moral instructions for both husband and wife according to which they are treated as life-companions who should not restrict themselves to the legal requirements alone, but should join hands to make mutual life as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Our Deen gives us guidelines in each aspect of marriage and so too regarding intimacy.
Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam mentions in his book ‘Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations’:
Sex at times is perceived of as unclean, and as something that should only be practised as a need, like the need to relieve oneself. People holding this misconception perform sex reluctantly, and consider any enjoyment derived from it as disrespectful or immoral. They have completely missed the point. Lawful sex is an act of worship, and should be enjoyed as much as possible.
The correct intentions mentioned above elevate sex from an act of physical pleasure into an act of immense reward and a form of charity. Sayyiduna Abu Dharr al-Ghifiin relates that the Messenger of Allahﷺ said:
Verily in every Tasbeeh, (i.e. saying Subhaan Allah) there is charity, in every Takbeer [i.e. saying Allahu Akbar] there is charity, in every Tahmid [i.e. saying Al-hamdulilliih] there is charity, in every Tahleel [i.e. saying Laa ilaha illalliih] there is charity, enjoining of good is charity, forbidding of evil is charity, and in the sexual act of each of you there is charity.” [The Companions said], “O Messenger of Allah! One of us fulfils his sexual desire and he is given a reward for that?” And he ﷺ said, “Do you not see that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully, he will be rewarded.” (Muslim 1006)
Imam Nawawi (may Allah have mercy on him), the great Hadith expert comments on this Hadith in his monumental commentary of Salhih Muslim: “In this Hadith there is an indication that through correct intentions, the merely permissible becomes an act of worship. As such, sex becomes an act of worship if one intends by it to fulfil the right of the wife and treat her honourably as Allah Most High has commanded, or to seek pious offspring, keep oneself chaste or one’s wife chaste, or to protect both spouses from looking at the unlawful, thinking about it and desiring it, or other praiseworthy goals.”
Islam protects the sexual rights of both the husband and wife, and to satisfy the sexual appetite of one’s spouse is a legitimate objective of sexual relations and even of marriage itself.
The right to sexual fulfilment belongs to both husband and wife, and it is a mistake to assume that only the husband has this privilege. The wife has as much right to expect her sexual needs to be fulfilled as the husband. As such, sexual relations are a right of both spouses.
The renowned Hanafi jurist Imam Ibn ‘Abidin (may Allah have mercy on him) states: “Among the consequences of marriage is the permissibility of each spouse deriving sexual pleasure from the other.” (Radd al-Muhtar ‘alii ‘l-Durr al-Mukhtar 3:4)
Imam ‘Ala al-Din al-Kasani (may Allah have mercy on him), a prominent classical l:Ianafi jurist, states: “And both spouses share this ruling of deriving sexual pleasure, for just as the wife is lawful for the husband [in terms of deriving sexual pleasure from her]; her husband is lawful for her … It is the right of the husband to demand sex from her whenever he so desires unless there is an impediment, such as menstruation ( IJ,ayr!), postnatal bleeding ( nifas), z,ihar [ the husband swearing an oath to abstain from sex with his wife], being in the state of ilJ,ram and other impediments. And it is [also] the right of the wife to request sex from him, since deriving sexual pleasure from him is her right, as it is his right to derive sexual pleasure from her. When she requests sex from him, he will be obligated to agree and compelled through the courts once [meaning once throughout the marital relationship], and after that he will be religiously [and not legally] obliged to have sex with her in the context of living together in excellence and fostering the marital relationship… ” (Bada’i al-Sana ‘I 2:331)[1]
Regarding the sexual rights of the husband, the Prophet ﷺ mentions:
”When a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and then he sleeps being angry, the angels curse her until morning.” ( Sahih al-Bukhari 3065)
This Hadith and along with others proves the importance of obedience to a husband’s request for sexual relations. It is a grave sin, in normal circumstances, for the wife to refuse her husband or to withhold intimacy as a form of punishment.
The wife’s right to sexual relations:
Allah Ta’ala commands in The Quran,
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ “and live with them in kindness.” (4:19)
Kindness mentioned in this Ayah (al-ma`roof), means of harmony, good companionship, and fulfilling her rights. To deprive one’s wife of intimacy is against the kindness that Allah commands.
The husband is religiously obliged to fulfil the sexual needs of his wife. It is a sin on his part to deprive his wife of this right without a valid excuse or permission. This is why many jurists hold that it is religiously obligatory for the husband to have sex with his wife every so often. (See: Bada’i al-Sana’i 2:331)
Sayyiduna ‘Abdullah ibn Amr Radhiallahu Anhu relates: “My father married me off to a woman of good lineage, and he used to consult his daughter-in-law – i.e. his son’s wife – and ask her about her husband. She would say to him, “An excellent man! A man who has not slept with us in bed nor removed the veil from us since we came to him!” When that went on for a long time, he (my father) mentioned that to the Messenger of Allah. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ. said, “Send him to me.” So I went to meet him soon after, and he said, “How often do you fast?” I said, “Every day.” He said, “How often do you complete the Qur’an?” I said, “Every night.” He said, “Fast three days every month and complete one Qur’an every month.” I said, “I have the ability to do more than that.” He said, “Then fast three days every week.” I said, “I have the ability to do more than that.” He said, “Fast after every two days.” I said, “I have the ability to do more than that.” He said, “Fast the most superior of fasts, the fasting of Dawud (peace be upon him) who used to fast every alternate day; and complete the recitation of the Qur’an in seven days… ” (Sahih al Bukhiin 4765)
In this Hadith, the Messenger of Allah advises ‘Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-‘ tobe moderate in his worship, and on learning that he had not slept with his wife, the Messenger of Allah said to him, “Your wife has a right over you,” clearly defining the husband’s responsibility to fulfil his wife’s sexual and other needs.
Most jurists (fuqaha ‘), including many Hanafi scholars, hold that it is religiously obligatory for a husband to have sex with his wife every so often, without this being fixed at a specific frequency. The prominent Hanafi jurist Imam Haskafi states, “It is religiously obligatory for a husband to have sex with his wife every so often, and he must not reach the duration of four months without her permission… “
Imam Ibn ‘Abidin explains this by stating that the husband is religiously obligated to have sex with his wife every so often, unless he has some kind of illness or some other valid excuse. He then cites Imam Tahawi from the Hanafi School who holds the view that the husband is obligated to have sex with her once every four nights. However, he further states, that the established position of the Hanafi School (zahir al-madhhab) is that there is no fixed time-limit, rather the husband will be obligated to spend the night with his wife and fulfil her sexual needs every so often. (See: Radd al-Muhtar ‘ala ‘[-Durr al-Mukhtar 3:202-203)
According to the author, this last position seems to be the most reasonable and practical, especially in our times. As such, the husband must engage in sexual relations with his wife every so often – enough to maintain her outward and inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing an unlawful act. If a man consistently refuses his wife, he will be sinful.[2]
It is therefore clear that neglecting the rights of one’s wife regarding intimacy is contrary the Sunnah and laws of Islam. Both spouses have rights that must be fulfilled, physically or otherwise as outlined by Shari’ah. In a healthy marriage, the husband should fulfil the physical needs of his wife every so often as appropriate for her needs, his ability, and other related considerations.
Regarding the challenges with your spouse’s refusal to intimacy, we suggest the following points,
- Makie Dua frequently to Allah Ta’ala and beg Him to create love and harmony in your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of sincere Duas together with patience.
- Approach your spouse and explain the situation with utmost love and respect. Love has the power to turn the bitter warm. Employ Hikmah (wisdom) when dealing with it. One might have the right objective and aim in mind, but the method of conveying the message across must be correct and suitable to the situation. Explain to him the gravity of the situation, and the negative impact the situation is having on your marriage. Bring to his attention that intimacy in marriage is Allah’s command and His obedience is greater and above everything.
- Seek professional counselling from a Muslim, Imam or our Darul Iftaa (Darul Iftaa Trinidad) if you need to. Also ensure that there isn’t an underlying health issue that is contributing to the problem.
- You may also approach a respected member of your family and discuss your concerns with that person with the hope that he will diplomatically address it and reform the issue.
- Play your part in trying to improve intimacy by beautifying yourself for your husband and making other aspects of the marriage enjoyable.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best.
Mufti Arshad Ali
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)
www.fatwa-tt.com /www.jaamia.net
[1] ‘Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations’: by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam pg. 12
[2] Excerpt from Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations’: by Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam pg. 16-21