Question:
Asalamu Alikum wa Rahmatullah… I was in a relationship with a guy who was studying at the time. Sometimes we were intimate, so we wanted to get married but his parents disagreed and said wait till he finishes school. We stopped being intimate but we continued speaking to each other and it was affecting his studies really bad so we tried with his parents again and his dad said the same thing. Eventually he told me that we won’t be able to speak at all until he finishes his studies. After 4 months he told me the only way we can speak to each other and be together is if we got married so he didnt ask his parents because they would not allow him but he asked my parents and they agreed because I really did love him and I wanted to be with him in a halaal way. His intention was to make things halaal and for his parents not to have any sin on their shoulder for denying us to get married. We did get nikka eventually without his parents knowing. My question is do u think that we did something wrong?
Answer:
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
Dear sister in Islam, we commend you for seeking the assistance of the Ulama in affairs of religion.This is indeed a sign of Imaan and Piety.
It must be acknowledged that a fiancée is a non- mahram and total stranger, therefore all forms of physical relationships and intimacies are totally prohibited in Islam. This is regardless if one is positively sure that he or she is going to contract a marriage with such individual. Some people believe that it is proper for two individuals, who have firm intention to contract a marriage, to be together in seclusion and to accompany each other, this is a totally wrong concept which contradicts the sacred laws of Shariah. This is also the case where a couple is engaged and awaiting the day fixed for the Nikah.
As for communicating with ones fiancée, it is not permissible except in cases of dire need and necessity, such as discussing and agreeing on specific matters that are considered to be of utmost importance in the vitality and stability of the marriage. These conversations must not involve anything that may provoke desire or cause temptation and must not occur in seclusion.
NB –If the need for correspondence and conversation arises, it is preferable to have this procedure done through the intermediary of the father or any other guardian of the girl and not directly with her, in order to avoid falling into sin.
To reiterate, if there exist no need or such need was fulfilled, then any further communication between the two intended spouses is forbidden.
Thus, communication for the purpose of acquaintance and to bring each other closer together, is strictly prohibited in Islam due to the fact that this man and woman are total strangers to each other.
Even to give advice in matters of religion is not permissible, as such conversations and speeches stimulate desires and temptation in the hearts of the unwedded couple.
Allah ﷻ mentions in the Holy Quran:
﴿فَلاَ تَخْضَعْنَ بِالْقَوْلِ فَيَطْمَعَ الَّذِي فِي قَلْبِهِ مَرَضٌ وَقُلْنَ قَوْلاً مَعْرُوفاً﴾
“Then be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”.
Therefore what you have done before Nikah was absolutely wrong and unjustifiable. Both of you should feel remorse of such an action and turn to Almighty Allah ﷻ in sincere repentance for He ﷻ is Most Forgiving Most Merciful.
With regards to the conditions of a valid marriage contract, it will be valid as long as “proposal and acceptance” was done according to Shariah[1] in the presence of witnesses who were fully aware that a marital contract was taking place. These witnesses can either be two mature male Muslims or one mature male Muslim and two mature female Muslims.[2]
As for the last part of your question i.e. contracting the marriage without the knowledge and consent of your spouse’s parents. The fact is, a man does not need the permission of his parents or guardians to enter into a marital contract. I am assuming by your statements that, your parents (father in particular) have given you consent for this marriage, if not, it may affect the validity of the marital contract.[3]
If there is any deficiency in what was mentioned pertaining to the validity of the Nikah, please consult The Darul Ifta or your local Alim.
Even though such a marriage is permissible and valid it is also disliked and should be discouraged because of the following reasons:
(1) The Holy Prophet ﷺ has instructed us to announce and proclaim the marriage (after the contract)[4]
(2) This involves disobedience to parents which brings about their displeasure and sadness and may lead to the severing of family ties.[5]
(3) Such a marriage is void of the duas of the parents which every couple is in need of.[6]
(4) It ruins the reputation of the couple in society, when seen together they may be accused of immoral conduct and behavior. We are instructed to refrain from those things and places which defame our character as a Muslim[7]
(5)In a marriage, not only is the couple united rather two entire families are bonded together. When the secret becomes exposed (which is just a matter of time), it may create enmity and malice between the wife and her in-laws, husband and his in-laws and also between the in-laws on both sides. Such an atmosphere places a strain and pressure on the marriage.
(6) Should there arise any marital conflict between the spouses, it would be difficult for the couple to seek any external support and guidance because of the secretive nature of the marriage, as a result of which problems may remain unsolved and can affect the growth and development of the marriage.
(7)The laws of Islamic inheritance can be violated thus causing injustice upon the heirs. Take for example if a child is born from such a marriage and the husband happens to die while the martial relation was still in secrecy, both mother and child will most likely be deprived of their rights of inheritance.
(8) The reputation of the child may be tarnished as society may look at him as an illegitimate child and this shame and disgrace will accompany him throughout his life.
NB-The aforementioned is general and there may exist genuine cases where couples are left with little or no choice but to resort to secret marriages. In such situations consultation and guidance should be sought from Reputable Ulama.
Nevertheless, you are married now and my advice to you is that you should seek repentance for your shortcomings, we all make mistakes and fall prey to the deception of the shaytaan. I pray that Almighty Allah ﷺ forgives and guides us all. May He ﷻ show us the truth as truth and make us firm upon it and May He ﷻ show us falsehood as falsehood and keep us away from it, and May he bless your marriage.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Kaleem Muhammad
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)
www.fatwa-tt.com /www.jaamia.net
[1] الهداية في شرح بداية المبتدي (1/ 185)
قال: ” النكاح ينعقد بالإيجاب والقبول بلفظين يعبر بهما عن الماضي ” لأن الصيغة وإن كانت للإخبار وضعا فقد جعلت للإنشاء شرعا دفعا للحاجة ” وينعقد بلفظين يعبر بأحدهما عن الماضي وبالآخر عن المستقبل مثل أن يقول زوجني فيقول زوجتك
[2] الهداية في شرح بداية المبتدي (1/ 185)
قال: ” ولا ينعقد نكاح المسلمين إلا بحضور شاهدين حرين عاقلين بالغين مسلمين رجلين أو رجل وامرأتين عدولا كانوا أو غير عدول أو محدودين في القذف ” قال رضي الله عنه اعلم أن الشهادة شرط في باب النكاح لقوله عليه الصلاة والسلام ” لا نكاح إلا بشهود
[3] الدر المختار وحاشية ابن عابدين (رد المحتار) (3/ 56)
(ويفتى) في غير الكفء (بعدم جوازه أصلا) وهو المختار للفتوى (لفساد الزمان) فلا تحل مطلقة ثلاثا نكحت غير كفء بلا رضا ولي بعد معرفته إياه فليحفظ
الدر المختار وحاشية ابن عابدين (رد المحتار) (3/ 57)
(قوله بعدم جوازه أصلا) هذه رواية الحسن عن أبي حنيفة، وهذا إذا كان لها ولي لم يرض به قبل العقد، فلا يفيد الرضا بعده بحر. وأما إذا لم يكن لها ولي فهو صحيح نافذ مطلقا اتفاقا كما يأتي لأن وجه عدم الصحة على هذه الرواية دفع الضرر عن الأولياء، أما هي فقد رضيت بإسقاط حقها فتح، وقول البحر: لم يرض به يشمل ما إذا لم يعلم أصلا فلا يلزم التصريح بعدم الرضا بل السكوت منه لا يكون رضا كما ذكرناه فلا بد حينئذ لصحة العقد من رضاه صريحا
[4] قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم : ” أعلنوا هذا النكاح واجعلوه في المساجد واضربوا عليه بالدفوف رواه الترمذي
[5] قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: رضا الله في رضا الوالد وسخط الله في سخط الوالد رواه ابن حبان و الحاكم
[6] قال النبي صلى الله عليه و سلم ثلاث دعوات مستجابات لا شك فيهن دعوة الوالد على ولده ، ودعوة المسافر ، ودعوة المظلوم رواه أبو داود و الترمذي و غيرهما
[7] موسوعة الأخلاق الإسلامية – الدرر السنية (2/ 304، بترقيم الشاملة آليا)
– البعد عن مواطن التهم والريب
عن صفية بنت حيي، قالت: ((كان رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم معتكفا فأتيته أزوره ليلا، فحدثته ثم قمت فانقلبت، فقام معي ليقلبني، وكان مسكنها في دار أسامة بن زيد، فمر رجلان من الأنصار، فلما رأيا النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم أسرعا، فقال النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: على رسلكما إنها صفية بنت حيي فقالا سبحان الله يا رسول الله قال: إن الشيطان يجري من الإنسان مجرى الدم، وإني خشيت أن يقذف في قلوبكما سوءا، أو قال: شيئا))
قال ابن بطال: (في قول النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: ((إنها صفية)) السنة الحسنة لأمته، أن يتمثلوا فعله ذلك في البعد عن التهم ومواقف الريب) وقال الغزالي: – ينبغي على المرء – (أن يتقي مواضع التهم صيانة لقلوب الناس عن سوء الظن ولألسنتهم عن الغيبة هـ
