I have a question to ask regarding myself and my sisters as we are going through a hard time.
The problem is that my Father is very relaxed with the idea of getting us married despite there being suitors etc. He does not feel the need for us to get married. Whenever the topic arises he says “Who needs to get married these days, people are not good Muslims, they don’t have any jobs etc”. We are made to stay at home and serve our parents – which I do not have a problem with; but the fact that we are not viewed as women but children made to do tasks is depressing.
I have 3 sisters and Alhumdulillah we have never had boyfriends or engaged in any physical relationships. We read our salaat, wear full hijab/niqab etc, practice good character/akhlaaq; we can cook, clean etc, and want to get married purely for the sake of Allah SWT to please our husbands and enter Jannah together.
It has caused us so much distress that no-one cares for us to get married neither my Father, brothers etc. When I observe my Father I notice that he may not be mentally sound through his behavior and actions.
Further, recently my Auntie who does not speak to my dad, called us and warned us that my dad will not get us married as he was in charge of getting herself and her sister married but failed to do so saying the same things “People are evil etc”
We all make sincere dua for Allah to get us married, and I have it in me that I need to ask a qualified Mufti.
Therefore I want to ask you, does my Father qualify for a Wali? If he does not, how can we get married if his control is so great and does not want anyone to interfere with us.
Please help me and advise me.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
We are sorry to hear the difficulties you are facing. We sympathize and ask Allah Ta’ala to grant ease and success in this world and the Aakhirah.
It must be remembered that difficult and challenging situations are inevitably experienced by everyone at some point in life. These conditions are tests from Allah Ta’ala in order to elevate their status and increase their blessings. It is however of utmost importance that when we face these difficulties, we turn to Allah Ta’ala and increase in Ibadah and closeness to Him, and abstain from anything that will bring His displeasure. Allah Ta’ala says in The Quran,
وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِّنَ الْخَوفْ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِّنَ الأَمَوَالِ وَالأنفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ
We will certainly test you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits (earnings); but give glad tidings to the persevering and patient (2.155)
Our advice is you approach a respected Mahram member of your family e.g. grandfather or uncle/aunt and discuss your concerns with that person with the hope that he/she will diplomatically address the issue with your father, and make him understand the gravity of the situation.
He should be explained the need and importance of you and your sisters getting married. The unnecessary delaying of marriage has also been prohibited in Hadith,
عَنْ عَلِيِّ بْنِ أَبِي طَالِبٍ، أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ لَهُ “ يَا عَلِيُّ ثَلاَثٌ لاَ تُؤَخِّرْهَا الصَّلاَةُ إِذَا آنَتْ وَالْجَنَازَةُ إِذَا حَضَرَتْ وَالأَيِّمُ إِذَا وَجَدْتَ لَهَا كُفْؤًا ”
Ali bin AbI Talib narrated that: The Prophet (Sallallahu Alahi Wa Salllam) said to him: ‘Ali! Three are not to be delayed: Salah when its time comes, a funeral whet it (a prepared body) is present, and the (marriage of a) single woman when there is an equal for her.” (at-Tirmidhi 171)
It is also of utmost importance that you show your father love and respect and assist him whenever you can. This will soften his heart Inshallah.
You are an adult and Shari’ah has given you all an independent right to marry. If after exhausting all avenues to get your father to corporate, you do not have to remain hostage to your father for marriage. Tell your father in the most respectable way that you will get married by yourself, and seek a family member’s assistance regarding that. Then go ahead and adopt all means to get married. Obviously there will be turbulence in the relationship which you will have to tolerate.
You should recite the following Dua:
رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا (الفرقان، الآية 74)
Our Sustainer, Grant us the coolness of our eyes from our spouses and children, and make us leaders of the pious.” (Qurān 25:74)
Always pray to Allah Ta’ala for ease, entertain full believe in Allah that He will respond to your call and adopt resilience. Allah is the One who opens the distressed hearts and infuses love and mercy between antagonists. Allah Ta`ala states, “Verily, with every hardship there is ease.”
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Arshad Ali
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)