i am having problem with my husband mainly because of my in-laws. they both are very interfering and this has led into an almost breakage in our relation. we have a five month old daughter and we both love her a lot. i love my husband too but in most cases because of all the interference of my in-laws and his too much obedience towards them i cannot control my temper and i show him disrespect and talk harshly.
he always wants to know my problems but do not act seriously on them and the cycle goes on. he also talks harshly with me and i cry day and night because i don’t have a normal happy family life. my husband is otherwise a good person and he cares about me but he makes no attempt in solving our problems. whenever i talk to him he listens quitely or shows his anger but the problem lies. My query is what can i do in such a situation where i want to stay with my husband but he is not going to leave his parents or stand strong in his ground about our life and privacy.
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
You have referred to the following points in your email;
1) In-law interference.
2) Husband too obedient to his parents.
3) Husbands listens to your problems.
4) He does not attempt to solve the problems.
5) You love your husband and you speak to him badly.
Sister in Islam,
Generally, marriage and in-laws are entwined aspects of a marriage life. In-law interference is indeed a common problem. However, you did not explain the details of the in-laws interference for us to understand the level of interference if any.
On the positive side, you love your husband, and care for him. The love bond have increased through your mutual child. Your husband even listens to your problems. However you are disrespectful and rude to him due to him probably not resolving the problem. Had you explained the details of your in-law interference then we would be in a better position to address your husbands response to your complains.
Never less, we offer you the following general advises;
If you feel you are experiencing some difficulty in your marriage due to your in-laws, your husband’s difficulties are two folds;
his obedience to his parents as well as fulfilling your rights as a wife.
Your husband is caught in between his parents and marriage. To maintain a fair balance between parents and the wife is very challenging, mentally and emotionally. Your rude attitude only aggravates his difficulties and does not help bringing about a solution.
We advise you change your attitude and first adopt patience. The asset to be patient is within yourself and is just a matter of you bringing it up and saying to yourself- hold on and be patient, exercise restraint. Once you are successful in withholding your emotions, now your rationale and thinking power takes over and begins to navigate you to a solution.
You know your husband and you know how best you can get around him. Use your instincts of knowing him and address the problem with him. Let him not only listen to him, allow him to talk it out and you listen to him. A mutual exchange of views is always more reliable than a unilateral one sided view.
It is possible your husband may simply being hearing you but is afraid to present his predicament to you, and you may be misinterpreting his response as not attempting to solve your problems.
It may well be that he doesn’t feel that there is a problem or the problem is much more than what you think.
You can be fully satisfied only after allowing him to talk freely, which can be achieved with your patience and kindness.
Remember, sustaining marriage of adults come with maintaining adulthood. A childish attitude could corrode and cause a collapse of a marriage.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Arshad Ali
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)