If one mother’s command you to stay away from the house of your in laws and even reject going anywhere with them. Then she says if you go with those people take a black marker an mark Off her name from his birth certificate .. What to do?
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.
Your question revolves around the kinship ties that come into effect once a man and a woman are united in Nikah. Not only does the union between the two of them occur, but in effect, two families also become united through this scared institution that has been sanctioned by Allah Ta’ala.
Generally, marriage and in-laws are entwined aspects of a marriage life. In-law problems is indeed a common problem. The tension between family and in-laws is not a new story, it is an old saga. Generally, the fault is not from one side; rather there are shortcomings from both sides. And many times, the husband (son) is stuck in the middle.
From your question, we understand you are stuck between obeying your mother and maintaining ties with your in laws, which will ultimately have an impact on your marital life and the relationship between you and your wife.
Indeed Islam has placed enormous emphasis on extending kindness to one’s parents, especially one’s mother, treating them with utmost respect and compassion, serving them to the best of one’s ability and staying away from causing the smallest discomfort and grief to them. There are many such verses of The Quran and the Ahaadith of the Prophet (Sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam):
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (23) وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا (24)
Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you show kindness to parents. If one or both of them attain old age with you, never say to them as much as ‘uff’ nor reproach them, but always address them with kind speech. And lower for them the wing of humility out of tenderness. And say, `My Lord, have mercy on them as they cherished me in childhood.’ (Quran 17:23-24)
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا
We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. (Quran 46:15)
From the above one can gauge the emphasis Islam has placed on being kind and dutiful to one’s mother. At the same time, Islam has placed much emphasis on the maintaining of family ties:
عن أنسٍ – رضي الله عنه: أن رَسُول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – قَالَ: «من أَحَبَّ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ في رِزْقِهِ، ويُنْسأَ لَهُ في أثَرِهِ، فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ».
It is reported by Anas Radiallahu Anhu that Rasoolullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: “He who desires abundance in his sustenance and his life prolonged should maintain good family ties.”(Bukhari, 5986)
Our advice is you approach your mother and explain the situation with utmost love and respect. Love has the power to turn the bitter warm. Employ Hikmah (wisdom) when dealing with them. Always be diplomatic in the approach towards her. One might have the right objective and aim in mind, but the method of conveying the message across must be correct and suitable to the situation.
Explain to her the gravity of the situation, and the necessity of maintaining ties with your in laws and the possible negative impact it might have on your marriage. Bring to their attention that it is Allah’s command and His obedience is greater and above everything. Also ensure your wife treats her with love and affection and it may also be beneficial if she assists your mother in some way or present her with a gift etc.
You may also approach a respected member of your family and discuss your concerns with that person with the hope that he/she will diplomatically address the issue and reform the differences between your mother and in laws.
Also remember, focus on building and maintaining your marriage and love, for many marriages, caught up in these disputes have led to interest elsewhere. Most important, make lots of Dua to Allah to soften your mother’s heart and grant peace and comfort.
And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best
Mufti Arshad Ali
Darul Iftaa, Jaamia Madinatul Uloom (Trinidad)